By the end of 2017, I was feeling heavy and irritated. I felt Like I wanted to quit my life and live in a tiny house in the middle of the woods. My dusty mind and I. I felt like I wanted to pack and unpack. I wanted to stay somewhere unknown, where no one knew who I was. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I didn’t want to hear anything. Close the door on myself and wander with my thoughts.
These thoughts have been taking over me. Like a beast waiting to come out. So I did what every person would do. I deleted Facebook and Snapchat. I unfollowed around 300 accounts on Instagram and kept only the ones that brought me joy. It made a big difference.
Then I went out and cut my hair (If you are a girl, you would understand that this is a big deal). For someone who has been growing out her hair for so long, this was a drastic measure. I didn’t care what people thought. I loved it. It was that sweet taste of freedom. It was that breakup haircut from all my previous issues. I was saying goodbye and starting new.
But you know what I also did, I cleaned out my closet. I gave everything away. Clothes that I wore daily, those that were too big but useful, those that were too small and will one day fit me if I lost the weight, those with tags on, those that I have never worn, those that were given to me by someone dear, the expensive ones, the cheap ones, those that I packed and unpacked every winter and those that have just been there, just as is. I gave them all away. It was liberating.
Just to remind you, this is not a “new year new me” post. Not at all. But it is a turning of a page. A starting of a new chapter.
Shedding an older layer gave me a new sense of clarity. A clear space is a clear mind. I was letting go of false expectations. An old identity that was not me anymore but has been clutching on to me for some time. That uncomfortable feeling was a new feeling inside of me that wanted to come out, but I resisted it because I did not know what it was yet. I had no name for it and I could not allow something to come out that has not been labelled yet. How will I identify it? How will I introduce it?
I realize that letting go is important to growing up. Never mind your age, your maturity level nor your IQ. Breaking your mould and building yourself a new shape is scary, confusing and liberating at the same time. You will want to name it. You will want to ask yourself why do I feel this way? Whatever you do, don’t resist it. Embrace it. It is you after all, just dying to get out.